Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
