carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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