it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I've blown a few things in my day
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
