So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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