I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
