Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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