i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
