I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
