The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
