My nipple is on Facebook.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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