The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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