i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
