The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
