Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Randomize
