He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
