I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
