Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
