I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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