Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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