Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
