We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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