"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
