I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
