I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
