I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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