Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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