never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
