I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
