I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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