They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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