Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
