I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
