Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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