The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This baby is an asshole
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
