Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
