True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
