Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
