omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
