I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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