I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
