That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
