This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
