Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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