i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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