Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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