Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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