Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
ugly people sure do ruin things
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
