right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I can't turn off my feet"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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