I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
