i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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