I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
